Posts

Showing posts from March, 2018

Burn It All Down

Image
I have a mysterious illness that strikes every few months. One day I will be fine and the next I will be too tired to get out of bed. I will lie in bed in the dark crying from how exhausted I feel until I finally, hours later, I have the energy to get up. I will go into the living room and within ten minutes I am too tired to even sit with my head up. This lasts for a few days before I can return to "normal."

I have been to the hospital. They have done blood tests, checked for anemia, thyroid disease. Depression is an obvious and simple diagnosis.

But sometimes I wonder if I am just exhausted from all the secrets I carry. This illness is new. I did not have it when I was a teenager, although I have had psychological problems for as long as I have been fully aware of what the world is like. But the exhaustion is new. The older I get the more severe the exhaustion, because the older the get the more secrets I have to keep, the more grief and rage.

This afternoon my mother for…

5 Ways to Win the Internet

Image
The internet is a scary place these days. Actually, it's always been a scary place. Remember when your kids getting abducted by a pedophile they met in a chatroom was the most pressing danger of the internet? Now your kids are the ones programing the chatrooms.

And yet, since the revelations that Cambridge Analytica harvested our Facebook data to psychologically manipulate millions of American voters, it's even harder to see the internet as just clean fun. We've suspected that increased social media use leads to depression and low self-esteem for years, and yet when push comes to shove, it's hard to bite the bullet and delete Facebook. So how to walk the middle way through this treacherous forest of low self-esteem, internet addiction, and global surveillance? I don't really have an answer to this last one (maybe watch "Minority Report" and play a drinking game where you take a shot every time the movie accurately predicted the future?), but here are jus…

Buddhism and Clarity

Image
Six months ago I got married. This involved having a conversation with my partner about the definition of our relationship, and then signing a contract (then a big party!). When we wrote our vows, there were certain things we needed to discuss; for example, what does "forever" mean? Are we promising to love each other "forever?" If not, what exactly are we promising? The original vows we worked off of initially had us promising, "I vow to give you everything I have." We both felt that was an overstep, and reworded it to "I vow to give you what I have that you need." Working together in this way, we clarified what our expectations were. And in the end, straight out of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," I vowed to love him for one lifetime, which seemed more realistic than "forever."


Pledging to be with someone for the rest of your life is very romantic, but there is also something very unsexy about marriage. There are contracts. Clauses.…

Groundlessness

Image
Yesterday was Friday. I don't have class on Friday, and I have already turned in a rough draft of my master's thesis, so I was looking forward to a day of reading and relaxation. Down time. These things are good for you, I hear. At about 2pm I managed to put on clothes and started walking to the nearest coffee shop, carrying my sketchbook and some pencils. Walking through Pico Union towards Koreatown, I passed rundown liquor stores and bright, colorful murals. It was hot and sunny, and I listened to headphones. Nothing was wrong, but I felt a familiar feeling-- a kind of dull, persistent ache, although ache is too strong of a word. More like "gnawing." A feeling that something is just not quite right. But what? Nothing tangible. Just existence as a whole.


Buddhists have a word for this feeling. It is the first noble truth, the understanding that existence is inevitably unsatisfactory. Of course, this feeling is not a uniquely Buddhist concept. The French called it en…